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Do you believe that Freemasonry should be fun? If so then this is the right place for you!

 | Jokes: 1996-2001  | Jokes: 2002-2007  | Jokes: 2008-2012  | The Structure of the Lodge

All the Jokes are posted by Brethren.
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MASONIC HUMOR & JOKES - Years 2008-2012

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name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia

Masonic Riddles

Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published before. Enjoy.

Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls?
A. Electile dysfunction.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery?
A. High time.

Bright Freemasons
Q. What’s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting?
A. Wake up.

Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons?
A. Because they would lodge in its throat.

Cross the Road
Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road?
A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.

Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge?
A. So moat it be.

Festive Board
Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive Board.
A. Halve it and begin.

Finders Keepers
Q. Where do you find Freemasons?
A. It depends where you lost them.

Freemason or Not?
Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason?
A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.

Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike?
A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.

Grand Lodge Above No.1
Q. Why can’t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because they’re not dead.

Grand Lodge Above No.2
Q. Why couldn’t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.

Hiram and the Sheriff
Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common?
A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.

Hiram et al
Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common?
A. They’re all monumental masons.

King Solomon’s Temple
Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?
A. On the side of his head.

Lodges and Pubs
Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common?
A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.

Masonic Apron
Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons?
A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.

Masonic Beavers
Q. What’s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do?
A. Build a grand lodge.

Masonic Colours No.1
Q. What’s black, white, blue and green?
A. A seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.2
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green and red?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.3
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.

Masonic Dad
Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach?
A. Don’t put a sprig of acacia on top!

Masonic Elephant
Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant?
A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.

Masonic Knock-Knock
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candy who?
Candy date for Freemasonry.

Masonic Light Bulb No.1
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. No one knows. It’s a secret.

Masonic Light Bulb No.2
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

Masonic Policeman
Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge?
A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.

Masonic Terrorists
Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation?
A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.

Masonic Thermometer
Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer?
A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.

Non-Masonic Light Bulb
Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They are in eternal darkness.

Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge?
A. Because they don’t sell tickets.

Past Masters and Politicians
Q. What’s the difference between Past Masters and politicians?
A. Politicians want to change things.

Q. What’s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros?
A. Well, if you can’t tell them apart you wouldn’t make a very good Tyler.

Rough Stuff
Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason’s secrets?
A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.

The AGSW and the Funeral
Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral?
A. The show wouldn’t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1
Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger?
A. A tiger.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2
Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft?
A. He’s gone into the middle chamber.

The Grip
Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake?
A. So they don’t mistake each other for penguins.

The Illuminator
Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge?
A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.

The King is Dead
Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died?
A. That’s Saul folks.

The King’s Limo
Q. What kind of car did King Solomon’s father drive?
A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

The Staircase
Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs?
A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.

Tongue in Cheek
Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain?
A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.

To Order
Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order?
A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.

Tyler Tiler
Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler?
A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.

Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law?
A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.

Who am I?
Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all letters, first of all figures,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.
Who am I?
(Clue: Roman numerals)

Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft? 
A. You're always one of the usual suspects.

Women Freemasons
Q. Why aren’t women allowed into Freemasonry?
A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!

name: Roy Fairhurst
lodge: Lodge of Faith 344
grandlodge: UGL England

A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or tyler"

name: Robert Kelly
lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213
grandlodge: Missouri

The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the new one was built.

name: John Upton
lodge: Deepdene No. 356
grandlodge: Victoria, Australia

The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand Carpenter"!!!

name: Michael Bonner
lodge: Harmony #370
grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario

Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason?
He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.

name: Brian Mc Dowell
lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia
grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria

King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs.
The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.
Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery mess,
"Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"

name: Wilhelm Hernandez
lodge: Transportation Lodge 103
grandlodge: Canada

There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.

name: Rohit J. Varma
lodge: St. John's Lodge 434
grandlodge: UGLE

Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?"
Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"

name: Sean Brimlow
lodge: Wynnstay 3876
grandlodge: England and Wales

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

name: Mark Cottington
lodge: Mid Sussex 7642
grandlodge: Sussex

WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me again I can still hear him"

name: James Watkins
lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134
grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN

Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate was sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed knew the other fellow as a used car salesman.
After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait his turn.
When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier in the day he had been castrating hogs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket that he had planned to feed his dogs.
Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out.
Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever saw him again!

name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE

The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make their way home.
Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, and is persued by the waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions and soon ascertains that the river is stone cold sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies the driver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..."

name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE

A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are you going, Sir?" asks the Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driver. "And exactly who gives lectures on Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning?" asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver.

name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M

According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So why was it so important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives & concubines!!!

name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M

What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters

name: James Watkins
lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee

A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided to pass the time at a K of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. When the password was requested, he replied with the Knights of Columbus password. "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly confused. Noticing a man wearing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being re-carpeted. Say, you didn't give them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I got theirs!

name: Jim Hilton
lodge: Loyal No. 5040
grandlodge: England

My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say something!" My friend said: "What can we say we will offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you never know who you are sat next to.

name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland

A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked the brother. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer.

name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland

A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time. When eventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my own free wheel and a cord!"

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