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Do you believe that Freemasonry should be fun? If so then this is the right place for you!

 | Jokes: 1996-2001  | Jokes: 2002-2007  | Jokes: 2008-2012  | The Structure of the Lodge

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MASONIC HUMOR & JOKES - Years 1996-2001

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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.

card2.jpg - 15697 Bytes It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW'.

I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

The case with the silk stockings
Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*

Masonic Blooper
WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." " My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." " OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret!
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"

card3.jpg - 21277 Bytes A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down, following the white lines that ran down the center of the road.
All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump.
I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car.
Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you.
"Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!"

Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.

A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired. Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position, "What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your escape"

There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.

Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek, Florid.

While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with!

Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare.
A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"

Another first degree.
The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate promptly did just that!!
(Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.).

Sent by: Drew Grant
Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE

A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance documents in his ritual book.
When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.
He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore himself to his personal comforts.
The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."

Sent by: Colin R Goss
PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".

Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.

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