Rivista di Massoneria - Revue de Franc-Maçonnerie - Revista de Masonerìa - Revista de Maçonaria
|MASONIC HUMOR & JOKES - Years 1996-2001|
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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was
addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there
being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down
on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his
family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to
Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate
The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty
five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge
envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.
Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in
the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which
thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through
the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.
A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."
On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW'.
I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
The case with the silk stockings
There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and
met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft
and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old
Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock
Room. The Master, in puzzelment, looked around the room which was
filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate
and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked
why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone
in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked
where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied,
"Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." " My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." " OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".
Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?
A: It's a secret!
A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"
I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick
fog. We slowed right down, following the white lines that ran down the
center of the road.
Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.
WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY?
Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek, Florid.
While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a
true Scotsman he replied"a wee prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake
leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to
congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When
I greeted you at the door of the lodge I asked you if you felt
anything... not who you were with!
Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the
current police scare.
A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board
which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light
followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking
that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec
and insurance documents in his ritual book.
Colin R Goss
Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath
Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show
the community that the RBT was working.
They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night
wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into
his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached
him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to
the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag
tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction
they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with
it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what
he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was
there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there
and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".
Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.
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